Even If
by Konaxookami
Summary: Sometimes Michiru would get strange sensations when she was alone, a sort of déjà vu. It had been happening to her since she was a child, a sensation that was familiar, yet distant. But she couldn't remember a time when she didn't have these feelings
1. Even If

Sometimes when I'm working on really long important chapters I go off and write incoherent nonsense. This is one of those times. Please excuse me while I go die in a corner for being a ridiculously whimsy writer who has no control over her muse. I AM working on the second half of the eight chapter of Of Winds and Oceans but this just came out of nowhere the other night when I was supposed to be writing an essay on dreams. I guess it sort of makes sense that I would write a drabble on dreams...

This can be considered a companion to OWaO since I make reference to things that the two of our lovely ladies have been doing. Also. I tried doing a piece similar to this for Haruka after she awakened as Uranus-but I threw it out because it became to disjointed. (Not like this isn't but...) but if you guys like this I might do another chapter with another shot at that one too!

As always, I disclaim any rights to these characters-and the errors are mostly (if not all) fixed but if you see something-ignore it if you please, I don't have a beta.

**Even If-**

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><p>Sometimes Michiru would get strange sensations when she was alone, a sort of déjà vu.<p>

It had been happening to her since she was a child, a sensation that was as familiar as tucking her chin on a chinrest, or the feeling of a stick of charcoal in her hand sweeping across a page. It wasn't altogether foreign, and yet it seemed so distant and strange to her.

She couldn't remember a time when she didn't have these feelings though.

It was the sound of a husky laughter. The feeling of a rough palm meeting her own soft one. The smell of wind, dust, ocean and the inexplicable scent of _home. _The sight of a roguish grin and windswept locks of sand tinted hair. A taste she couldn't quite ever describe but filled her with a warmth and feeling of wholeness that it almost scared her.

They haunted her waking or otherwise.

Dreams were memories of a past life a professor had told her once. She wasn't sure she believed that. But perhaps…

Had she once run across the beaches of some far away land, striving to catch the wind?

Was it why whenever she was swept into a dance at a party she felt her partner was too dull, far too _slow?_

Was there a time when her music dipped and dived with the notes of a piano? Where the notes were clumsy yet so rich and powerful in the instrument she told herself she hated playing alongside the most?

Where the inexplicable urge to curse caught her by surprise and was welcomed with warm laughter at the fumbled oaths?

Only in her dreams. Only in her sleep could these things be true. She was Kaioh Michiru, prominent violinist and renowned artist. These notions of things she had never done and were foolish and ridiculous and she was-

_Such a stick in the mud._

Always a pause when a voice, unknown, yet so familiar to the ears tickled the back her mind like that. In her waking world she would hear whispers on the sea breezes. A deep voice, androgynous-was that a _girl_-no surely a _boy_-and pleasing to the ear.

Michiru tried to pay them no mind. They had been a part of her so long she had all but become accustomed to the dreams and the senses and the voices on the wind and it really didn't matter at all-

_Rise Sailor Neptune._

The suddenly the dreams were not just a rare occurrence. Her senses were suddenly acute and high strung. The pleasing voice on the wind had turned to the low whine of the sea begging to be heard.

The _dreams_ though-

Destruction. Chaos. Ruin.

These were the dreams that had her waking in a cold sweat wondering _oh god why did I ever choose this fate?_ Dreams that left her shaking and _praying_ that when she fell back asleep-_if she even would because it was always so hard after those dreams_-that she would not dream ever again.

There were the other dreams though.

Wind whipping through her hair as she sat on the beach, a strong arm wrapped around her shoulder. A body soft and yet unyielding to any hardship pressed against her own. Eyes that looked like they were made of _storms_. Of soft murmurings of sweet nothings with names she didn't quite comprehend but understood meant her.

_It's going to be okay Neptune._

_I'm coming soon don't worry._

_You aren't alone._

_I'm here for you._

They were words she never really put too much stock in because they were clearly the illusions created by a manic girl who had a terrible burden forced upon her. They were nothing more than stupid illusions of a person who fought so _bravely, _who would hold her so _tightly_ there was no room for fears, someone who would smile at her so _softly_ it made her want to cry and oh she wished she knew their _name._ Something to prove she wasn't crazy, that maybe in the darkness that was this fate there was someone-

"I hear there's a new racer! Haruka Tenoh!"

_Oh. _

And suddenly she has a name. And a face. And dear gods above she is everything and _more_ than you could ever have dreamt of. This proud woman who stands taller than the men she races against and has the eyes that look like a summer squall. The laughter that haunted her since her young peals from this teenager's throat so easily and it hits Michiru as if it has never left her and that she were just simply apart for a while-But it's okay because _you're together now it's alright-she's back-she's _alive_ and by the moon she's __**real.**_

Kaioh Michiru has never wanted to cry so much in her life.

_Come on Michiru-You should know me better than that. You should know I'll never leave forever. Maybe I'll go off every once and a while-but I'm the wind, I have to. But just remember the wind always comes back to the place it loves most. And me? I love the sea more than anything else in this universe-so I'll always come back._

Suddenly the déjà vu isn't enough. It will never be enough again to have the dreams where her arms is only just a bit too low to be platonic, or her grin is just a tad too wicked, or her arms never tight enough. Michiru's ears are roaring with the sounds of a hurricane and her heart throbbing painfully in her chest. Neptune will always yearn for Uranus. Why hadn't it ever come to mind before? Why had it never seemed _strange_ to not have that tall blonde standing beside her in battle?

"Haruka," the name comes out on a hoarse whisper but it feels like it's been said a thousand times over in so many different ways and the potential to utter it in every way possible flutters up unexpectedly. A smile spills over pale lips, "_Haruka,"_

From the ground where you stand, triumphant and proud, you feel a tingling on the back of your neck. It's been happening more and more lately-_like the dreams but they're only dreams don't be stupid Tenoh_-but this time the urge to find what caused it is overbearing. Your team is cheering and the crowd roaring but all of the sudden all of that seems like dim background noise as a wind whistles past your face.

_Haruka_

Suddenly you're frozen and staring up into the stands, eyes searching for the source of that _voice_. That voice that has had you up at odd hours of the night-in cold sweat wondering _why almighty _god_ is that girl fighting those monsters and why am I seeing her get hurt-_Oh there were the other ones-_soft music, smooth laughter, the smell of the sea and parchment in a studio of white-_

You catch a glimpse of aquamarine hair leaving the stands and your heart lurches in your chest and you feel like calling out but then-

The moment is over and the crowd and your crew are back again and you're okay. There are no dreams. No duty. Nothing. Just this moment of victory. Nothing to worry about. It's got nothing to do with you. Absolutely nothing.

_You are always so stubborn aren't you? Haruka…one of these days you'll have to face up to what our duty is. And I know it's terrifying at times but just think-as long as it's the two of us we'll be fine okay? _Please_ Haruka you have to promise me you'll do this with me. I can't do it alone._

"Always…" the word slips out from under your breath as you stare up to stands again, straining your eyes for a look of that hair again. The whisper wasn't something you can even really understand why you uttered. Forget it Haruka. You're not getting involved. No matter what those dreams say.

You're your own person.

You will bow to no one's ideas of destiny-

Even-

Even if it's _her_.

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><p>Confused yet? I sure as heck was after reading it over, but I hope you maybe even just a <em>tad<em> enjoyed it. If you did, you know the drill-Reviews are lovely, and if you guys express interest in the Haruka piece I talked about I'll add a second chapter with that in it.

As always thank you thank you thank you for reading. You guys all rock. I mean it. Especially when you leave sweet reviews. I do little dances, trust me. Until I finish the next chapter of OWaO or the next chapter(?) of this thank you and goodbye!

**~KonaxOokami**


	2. Always

Hi my name is Kona and I write non-linear nonsense while I'm suppose to be working on far more important projects. Some people showed an interest in seeing the Haruka side of this little introspective nonsense, so here we are!

The first time I tried to write this a few months back when I had just finished writing up the pivotal Haruka centric chapter 5 of OWaS it went a totally different direction and I trashed it. It was supposed to hold as a placeholder for chapter 6 which had been taking much more time to write than I had expected. But it was thrown out because I couldn't get a good feel for it. Now I've sort of settled into my headcanons for this time line. That being said, this doesn't actually fit in line with the OWaS storyline, because I've already got the ending set and this is definitely not a part of it. But consider this a nice what-if in the time line. (I hope it reads well enough for people who don't know what I know about the story...)

As always, I've run through it for editing, and tried to make sure it reads well, but if you find an error or something, please ignore it-I'm just a struggling student trying to figure out their second semester classes!

**Always**

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><p>There is a part of Haruka she knows is entirely foreign to her. It's always been there, lurking just at the edge of her consciousness, but it had always been that sort of knee jerk response part of her mind. Only certain things triggered a reaction from it, and she had gotten impressively proud of her ability to suppress the urges it called forth.<p>

Until she awakened as Uranus that is.

Because _oh_ it made so much more _sense_ all of the sudden that the other her was actually the soldier she had once been. No wonder the other her had reacted so strongly to Michiru-it made so much sense now.

Still. There was a definite schism between her two selves, a constant tug of war while fighting. It was true enough that the urge to protect her fellow soldier was a mutual one. Michiru, swimmer she may be, was not built for battle and wear and tear like Haruka was. It wasn't a rare occurrence that brought Haruka rushing to Michiru's side in battle to protect her flank, or to push her away from an attack she hadn't seen. It was natural. Simple that was. Like breathing.

It was the _other_ impulses she had around Michiru when she was transformed that irked her. It would seem like, no matter how close to each other they were-they weren't close enough. Back to back in battle, their uniforms brushing against each other was _not enough_. Grabbing her hand to yank her out of the way of an attack never lasted long enough.

The first time Neptune is tossed into Uranus' body by a youma and her arms curl around Neptune instinctively she realizes _why_. She is numb to the world as their bodies skid across pavement and-_damn that is going to take days to heal_-because Neptune's body, prone and defenseless is held tightly in her arms and the urge to never let go is so overwhelming Haruka is stuck for a long moment before Neptune makes a move to escape. When she is released Haruka has to physically stop her body from lurching out to grab her again.

_Oh _**shit**_._

Suddenly she realizes the truth in the matter. The little truth she had suspected for a while, and had always been too afraid to confront. It hits her like a ton of bricks.

Uranus is in love with Neptune.

The shock of the revelation is enough to make her want to never transform again because dear _god_ the idea of falling in love is terrifying and all she can see is herself getting hurt. Michiru is too kind to say anything, but Haruka can tell that she notices the shift in her behavior. She notices the way Haruka flinches when she touches her, or the way she begins to avert her eyes when the two lock gazes for too long.

Haruka is terrified and suddenly sharing her mind, body, and soul with another self is a horrible fate and she wishes she were just _Haruka_ not Uranus.

"_Haruka…"_

The whispers come on the wind. Voices that sound too familiar to just pass off. The most frequent is Michiru's voice, constant and low in her ear. Soothing whispers and quiet laughter. It's the sort of things she is starting to associate with Michiru-but there is a edge to this voice, a sense of maturity and age that Michiru lacks. It's the sort of voice that she comes upon when transformed.

When she realizes _that_ a youma knocks her out cold onto the pavement. There's _another_ sound to haunt her waking and dreaming hours, Michiru's-_Or is this the ghost of the Neptune that Uranus loves?_- startled and horrified cry.

What happens in her sleep she could never quite understand. She had never slept as Uranus before. She'd always been in a hurry to de-transform after learning about Uranus' infatuation. She dreams in a manner she has done so before. She had always been Uranus in her dreams-before her waking and after it. Uranus was inside Haruka after all.

This time though Haruka was the outsider looking in. She felt as though she was breaking in on someone's privacy.

It was something else to see Uranus though. Proud and tall, Haruka had a hard time believing that she looked like _that_ while fighting. _There was the matter of the sword hanging on her belt but she wasn't particularly interested in that._ But the familiar lurching in her her chest when she saw Neptune, graceful and standing ever so properly next to Uranus made her wish she wasn't dreaming.

"_Hah, you're getting rusty there Neptune. Is it because it's been a while since you've actually had me there to keep you in line?" a tweak of one of Neptunes curls and a click of the tongue, "What would you do without me?"_

"_Right back at you Uranus," a hand playfully swats at the offending hand and threads the hair through her fingers, "You seem to have forgotten that there is someone else to look out for on the battlefield. Do watch where you aim your attacks, I will be very cross at you if you hit me," Neptune warns, a sparkle in her eyes._

_There is warm laughter that peals from Uranus's lips and Haruka can't remember the last time she laughed like that-"Oh?" strong arms wrap around Neptune's waist and pull her close, Uranus' teeth bared in a taunting grin, "I would never hit you Neptune, you should know that, right?"_

_Neptune's giggle sounds just like it did on the winds and her smile is beautiful-and Haruka is having trouble breathing-"Always the flatterer," she rolls her eyes and pulls out of the embrace, "Shall we? We have a piece to be working on, don't we?" she crosses her arms over her chest, expecting an answer._

"_Haaaa…Always working. Can't we ever just relax?" Uranus is groaning, running a hand through strawbale locks and shaking her head. Still-she stretches noisily and closes her eyes. There is a familiar flash of light from the pair and Haruka's breath stops because oh _**no.**

_That's her standing there next to Neptune-no that's _Michiru_ who is staring up at the other Haruka. Smiling Michiru who takes the grinning Haruka's hand as they both laugh impossibly and whisper each other's names on the breezes._

The shock of that revelation is enough to finally wake her. She jolts up, sending the cold compress on her head flying towards her feet and sending roaring pain rushing through her back and head. Her heart is pounding and she feels feverish.

She _is_ Uranus. Uranus isn't some other her from another time-Uranus was just the only side of her that held onto her memories. Uranus held on while Haruka forgot. But it's all coming back to her now.

Days spent in a hall where listening to Michiru play violin was all she wanted to do.

Running on a beach, feeling glorious wind rushing past her face and sensing her partner right there next to her, keeping her pace.

Artist fingers slipping against her rough hands as she spun the solider out in a dance only to tug her back flush to her body.

Crushing the embodiment of the sea in an embrace and never wanting to let go.

Touching her in the dark, kisses fleeting but fiery.

Haruka's head hurts.

She glances to the side to see Michiru sleeping soundly in the chair by the bedside. Her chin is propped up over her arms, resting as a pillow on the bedside table. There is a plaster on her cheek, and from underneath a borrowed shirt-_Haruka really hopes that it's clean because Michiru deserves better than her dirty laundry-_she can make out the sterile white of bandages. Her heart lurches up into her throat again because she's finally made the connection.

She can't believe it took so long for her to realize it.

Or maybe she couldn't handle it until now and her true self just needed to nudge her in the right direction.

Michiru was her Neptune.

So by default, she loved Michiru.

A weary smile crawls to her face and Haruka fights back to headache to gather her thoughts. This new her, the one that became 'Haruka' while she was sleeping was the self that had fought against her. It made sense, living in a new body, a new world, with no memories to go by, that she would reinvent herself.

Michiru hadn't changed though. The ever constant sea against the ever changing winds.

Even if it made no sense.

Even if all she had lived up until now was a lie.

None of that mattered anymore.

She loved this woman.

"Nn…" Aqua eyes fluttered open sleepily and they gaze up at Haruka, still clouded with dream visions, "Haruka?" her face is open and confused-the owner still too tired to put up the polite mask Haruka is so used to seeing.

Haruka swallows hard, nodding, "Hey."

Michiru sits up now, her eyes sharpening a bit, still with laced with sleep in them though, "How are you feeling…?"

Haruka laughs quietly and it sends pain shooting through her ribs, "Like hell," she answers, her voice quiet.

Michiru frowns, gaze dropping in guilt, "I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention enough to see it coming I-"

Haruka cuts her off with a trembling hand on her cheek, "It's okay. It's not your fault Michiru," she assures, and gives a weak grin, "Don't blame yourself for my stupidity," she lets the hand drop and shakes her head, "I'm sorry." _For not realizing who we were sooner-for pulling away when you reached for me-for trying so damn hard to pretend I didn't care-_

"It's alright," Michiru's voice is equally soft as she glances at the clock. Haruka's eyes follow and she frowns at the time.

"Stay. You shouldn't leave when you're injured," she scoots over on her bed, "Just…stay with me tonight?" Haruka begs, and she's hoping her voice doesn't sound too strange as Michiru's eyes widen and there is a pregnant pause hanging in the air.

Michiru's cheeks flare up pink and she stands, "I…if you wouldn't mind. If it won't aggravate your wounds…" she murmurs to herself it seems as she carefully climbs into bed with Haruka.

Haruka's arms wrap around her almost instantly and the sheets are over them quickly after, "I'm sorry Michiru," she whispers into her hair, squeezing her eyes shut, "I'm sorry I'm such a fool."

"Even if you're a fool Haruka, you're still _my_ fool. You're my partner right? We're in this together," Michiru's voice is slipping back into sleep as her eyes slide closed again.

Even if Michiru won't understand.

Even if Haruka dies again, failing to protect everything again.

Even if Michiru doesn't know.

Haruka and Uranus will always yearn for their partner.

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><p>Now that I've finally gotten all of this out of my system I can REALLY get back to work on chapter 10 of OWaS. For real this time. I mean it. You all know the drill, reviews are lovely and make the world go round. They're just the thing I like to read when I've having a rough day or I feel a bit down on myself. Also! Here's somethign new you all can do-I consider myself a friendly enough folk, so if you want to ask me a question about a story, or me, or request a drabble, hop over to my tumblr! There's a link in my profile. You don't have to follow me, but if you want a question answered...that's probably the best place for it! Okay, I'm done shamelessly plugging ridiculous nonsense.<p>

Thank you thank you thank you for reading! You guys all rock, and I hope you stick around for more of my fun fanfiction adventures!

**~konaxookami**


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